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(It's another one of those infamous Hogwarts talent shows, the kind that often result in particularly bad romances. The singers are actually pretty good this year, and the songs are interesting - Cho and two of her friends' dance to "Independent Women - part 1", Harry's song to Cho "It's Gonna Be Me", a comedy act by Fred and George, Oliver Wood's "Quidditch", a filk to "The Itch", and Ginny's rendition of "Got To Tell You". However, just before the teachers get out and did their act to conclude the talent show, Harry notices a strange line Ginny altered in her song.)
HARRY: Ginny, what do mean your diary? Are you talking to - to HIM again?
GINNY: Which him?
HARRY: Tom Marvorlo Riddle...
TOM: (comes out of Ginny's diary) You called?
GINNY: (screams) IT'S HIM!!! Harry, he - he's going to get you, Harry... (faints)
TOM: What? Kill Harry? All I wanna do is be in this (censored) talent show! (gets up on stage) Play music for me or I'll set my pet Basilisk on you! YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!
DUMBLEDORE: Weeeeeeeeellllll...
all right.
May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the Heir of Slytherin please stand up?
I repeat, will the Heir of Slytherin please stand up?
We're gonna have a problem here..
TOM: Y'all act like you never
been Petrified before
Jaws all on the floor like statues, like Muggles just burst in
the door
And started being dumb idiots worse than before
And I go crazy, throwin 'em over furniture (Aagh!)
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,
he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"
And Grindewald said... nothing you idiots!
Grindewald’s dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)
Feminist women love Tom Riddle
HERMIONE: Tom Riddle, I'm sick
of him
Look at him, grabbing his you-know-what
Saying he's you-know-who,
PARVATI: Yeah, but he's so cute though!
TOM: Yeah, I probably got a
couple of screws up in my head loose
But no worse, than what's going on in your parents' bedroom
Sometimes, I'm in class and want to just let loose, but can't
But it's cool for Harry Potter to fall asleep in Divination
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips
And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss"
And that's the message Muggles will deliver to their kids
And expect them not to know what the lyrics to their song is
Of course we're gonna know how stupid Mudbloods are
By the time we hit 4th grade!
They got the Discovery Channel don't they?
"We ain't nothing but mammals.." Well, some of us half-giants
Who raise giant spiders in cupboards like kittens
And they're so easy to frame and everything
Muggles see no reason that a man and another man can't elope (*EWWW!*)
But if you feel like I feel, then join me,
Women wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
Harry Potter don't gotta stay
in his classes to keep teachers happy;
Well I do, so kill him and those Mudbloods too!
You think I give a (censored) about a Mudblood?
Half of you wizards can't even stomach me, let alone stand me
"But Tom, what if you're nice, wouldn't it be weird?"
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me in the Ministry?
So you can sit me here next to Cornelius Fudge?
Severus Snape better switch me chairs
So I can sit next to Malfoy and Macnair
And hear 'em argue over who became a Death Eater first
You little freaks, get me to the Chamber of Secrets
LAVENDAR: Yeah, he's cute, but he's going out with Draconita, hee-hee!
TOM: I should stop listening
to you chatter
and show the whole world Voldemort's a cool word
I'm sick of you little Muggles and Mudbloods, all you do is annoy
me
So I have been sent here to destroy you! {*bzzzt*}
And there's a million of us just like me
Who cuss like me; who just don't give a (censored) like me
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
And just might be the next best thing but not quite me!
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
I'm like a head trip to listen
to, cause I'm only giving you
Things you talk about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the guts to say it
In front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at
all
I just get on the mike and spit it
And whether you like to admit it {*ERR*} I just shout it
Better than ninety percent of you Slytherins out there can
Then you wonder how can kids hate each other,
See it's funny; cause at the rate I'm going when I'm sixty
I'll be the only person still eating sticks of pixy
DRACONITA: That means pixy sticks!!! They're pure sugar!!! I'M HYPER!!!!!!!!!!
TOM: You're not in this. *ahem*
Kicking Mudbloods you-know-where
when I'm ticked off with them
And I'm jerking but this whole bottle of potion isn't working
And every single person is a Slytherin lurking
He could be working at the Daily Prophet, writing about Muggles
dying
Or in the Great Hall,
Screaming "I hate those Mudbloods!"
With his mom and his dad doing the exact same thing
So, won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up?
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes
I'm the Heir of Slytherin
And all you other Slytherins are just imitating
So won't the Heir of Slytherin please stand up,
Please stand up, please stand up?
DUMBLEDORE: I guess there's a bit of evil in all of us.
TOM: Let's all stand up now!
DRACO MALFOY: (stands up) Wooooooooh!!! Go Tom!!! I'm the Heir of Slytherin, yes I'm the Heir of Slytherin -
TOM: (slaps him)
THE END
A/N: Um, that was pointless, right? *sigh* I guess that's just the way the song was written. Thanks a bunch to Draco Malfoy for his Slim Shady filk (it wasn't about Tom) that helped me figure out some of the words to the actual song. I mean, Eminem talks so FAST, it's impossible to get it all down... Please review 'coz I haven't really done this. My only other filks are to people like Britney Spears and the BSB. So I have no idea if this is any good. Well, a little of an idea. But not much. So REVIEW!!! Or I just might Kill You!!! (j/k)
Disclaimer: Everything belongs to whoever created it. In other words, DON'T SUE ME YOU (censored)S!!!! Gosh, do you think Eminem is rubbing off on me? (shudder) I hope not...